On Immigration, Luck, and Stupidity

This is such a difficult post for me to write. I am going to have to address a tonne of issues I have been trying to avoid for way too long. A ten year plan seems to be falling through before my eyes. Its happening slowly…painfully…..and the timing could not be any worse.

I don't know where to start; it just seems like my head will explode if I don’t get my thoughts out. I cant discuss my emotions openly with my family, there’s no doubt they will be offended by what I have to say and the way I feel about things right now….

I wonder how many foreigners are clued up to the 10 year immigration rule that promises indefinite leave to remain. I also wonder how many have jumped on this 10 year band wagon only to have it blown up in their face.

My situation has left me so angry and desperate to find someone to blame…. But I’m getting nowhere.

I’m angry because investing 10 years of your life living in a foreign country is a huge risk. I am realising this now…..ten years too late..…because I find myself in a position where I might not get anything out of it. Not a job, not indefinite leave, not even ( I cant believe I’m about say this) a husband or a long term boyfriend. I can’t help thinking that I am partly to blame for this….that the past 10 years of my life has been one bad decision after another. I know this is probably not the case but I feel it all the same.

I’m angry because living outside of your country for so long will change your life in the most drastic of ways. I speak differently, my attitude to life in general has changed, I stupidly got caught up in the UK lifestyle, I smoke and drink more than I should, I find myself attracted to the Oyinbo peeps….as though I were one of them, I know more about UK politics and history than I do about Nig. I find it easier to speak to, mingle and be friends with the brits than I do with Naija peeps. I had dreams about living in a cottage in the countryside with a lovely garden and a local pub round the corner. I had already made a decision that I will NOT marry a Nigerian man. I was really that far gone. If I wasn’t so stupid this would not be the case at all. What have I been thinking? To forget where I come from and who I am... when my passport could not be any greener! Having said that, life in the UK is the only life I know (so far anyway); and it looks like things are about to change.

I feel guilty for putting my parents through this…paying fucking international fees for so long, bills, rent, yearly visa extensions at £500 a pop, sometimes more….. of course in the hope that when its all over I’ll come out overly qualified and highly employable, with no home office restrictions on my ability to work. It’s worked for my siblings but I guess my luck (or maybe my destiny) is different. The question is where do I go from here? My parents are not about to let all their investment go to waste and have me return to Nigeria (regardless of what I want). I guess I can’t blame them for that; seeing as they have spent an obscene amount of money on me my whole life. But the guilt I feel is unbearable. I think enough is enough! I would give my head to have the opportunity to give back to them a fraction of what they’ve given me. I feel that with all the opportunities I’ve had, this is not where I should be, and I wonder from time to time if ever they feel disappointed. I know do……..


I’m frustrated because an absolute decision has not been made and now I’m neither here nor there. I feel like a waste of space….empty….and I cannot begin to describe my fury at the home office and their blasted rules and bloody everything in the UK right now! Everything around me disgusts me! I WANT TO GO HOME!! And at the same time I want to stay and fight for what I have rightfully, legally end very expensively earned. Fucking hell I’m a mess right now. How demoralising is it to have to go through lawyers and possibly an appeal to fight for your right to stay in a country? As though I don’t have a home to go to! “What do you mean you want to come back to Lagos? You won’t last 5 minutes in Nigeria”. My parents words exactly. At the time I was in shock after realising that the plan had fallen through. Now I’ve thought about what they’ve said and I wonder if they realise how obvious they have made their opinion of me...That I’m too weak for Nig or maybe too stupid because apparently everybody in Nig is a vulture and will look for any means to screw you over! As though I cannot get shafted anywhere else on the planet.


I need the strength to follow this through and make my parents (and myself of course) happy. I am seriously thinking about packing up and going home very much against my parents wishes. I find it hard to imagine anything more frustrating than the instability and uncertainty I feel right now. I wonder why my leaving to live in Nig is such a big no-no for my parents. I hope very much that its to do with them wanting to fight for what they have invested so much in. Otherwise one can only conclude that they think I am too much of a dunce to live happily in Nigeria. Maybe they have a point or maybe I’m too emotional to think straight. Who knows…

I was doing so well….on my search for happiness and that. Things were supposed to come together nicely by the end of this year. Now this is happening…I feel trapped, angry, frustrated, guilty, and I’m left wishing I could turn back the clock. I used to have this holier than thou attitude about foreigners and immigration but hell, after the events of the past few weeks, I do NOT blame anyone for doing what they have to do to get what they want. I see now that they are the smart ones and I am very stupid indeed for doing things by the book. The fact is there are restrictions on where you choose to live depending on where you come from, I have always known this but my situation has got me thinking about just how fucked up that is. Why can I not travel freely to where I want to go? Why can I not one day decide to pack my bags and migrate to Spain because I "hate the weather" in my country? Why must it be such a mission to get a freaking visa? On the other hand if I was a brit….well I could travel the world if I wanted to couldn’t I? I could go on a 2 week trip to some 3rd world country and do my part for the good of humanity…(probably teaching bloody English) and what not. Fucking bollocks!

Ok so the sarcasm is pointless… I am not trying to offend anyone. Like I said I’m very annoyed by the way things are turning out and even more annoyed by the fact that I cant blame anyone but me for my situation. The fact is my life is about to change. Maybe this anger is the only way to get myself prepared for what’s coming next.

I don’t know how else to deal with this. At the risk of sounding like a self-pitying schmuck, this was unexpected and I am struggling to keep it together. I can only pray for strength and wisdom so I can come out of this with my sanity still intact. I cannot bottle up any more emotions. I will snap.

Ready for love

Butterflies in my stomach and dreamy eyes.
The heightened sensitivity in my fingertips the fire in my heart.
The friendship and the deep mental connection.
Long hours of passionate lovemaking.
Holding hands and sharing iceceam.
Role playing in the bedroom and getting freaky.
Getting lost in each others eyes.
Having someone who knows you from the inside out.
Having sweet nothings whispered in your ear just for being you.
Genuine Care and support for another
Falling asleep in each others arms.
Early morning sex in the shower.
An ever ready shoulder to cry on.
Sharing your happiness with friends.
Uncontrollable grins at the thought of another.
The unmistakable 'glow'

Being in love is a beautiful thing. If you have someone special I urge you to cherish the goodtimes and savour them. I think they see you through when things get tough...maybe im wrong i dunno. But im sure of one thing though....

I am officially ready to love again. The search is (very sublty) On!!! :-)

A hiccup?

its not easy for me to write what im feeling. I feel somewhat confused right now. I thought I was making progress and last night i dreamed a dream that got me feeling like the dazed and misplaced yellow ibo girl im trying to rid myself of.

I guess every journey has its setbacks. im still on a mission to remain happy. its just so very frustrating when a dream brings emotions to the surface...making you feel things you thought you'd gotten under control.

right now theres a lump in my thoat and i dont understand why and i refuse to cry. not over him....not over anybody for that matter. This is my attempt at being strong and good heavens does it take a lot of effort!

I need a distraction....something to focus my energy on. You would think I need a holiday but im actually on one right now! wierd eh? I guess one of the joys of blogging is that feeling.... just about when you post is done, that maybe your issue wasnt that much of a big deal after all. this must be the most random post ever! Apologies! lol.

my A-HA moment

I have only just discovered that it dosent take much to spark off a big change in someones life. All I did was watch a programme the other day, and I took a good look at myself and my life. I believe I had an A-HA moment (according to Oprah Winfrey).

In a matter if seconds I made a decision to stop complaining all the time. Having spent the best part of the past 3 years being mad at everything and everyone, I somehow managed to forget just how fortunate and blessed I am. I pray God will forgive me for my ingratitude.

Today is the day it all stops. Yes, I'm still a yellow ibo girl with issues to work through....but i wont allow them consume me anymore. People dont say life is short because it has a nice ring to it; its because it is so fucking true. I was daydreaming and wondering what I would have to say to myself now in say 50 odd years time, if given the opportunity.

I would say

"Yellow ibo girl you have to stop crying baby. Wipe your eyes so you can see clearly the beauty of the world and others around you. Wipe your tears so you can see your staggerring and astonishing beauty. Why is it so hard for you to realise your potential? Do you not see that the world is your oyster? You are capable of ANYTHING you put your heart into. This is no cliche....you need to beleive that its the truth before its too late. If you have this at the back of your dark mind you will see the light my love and realise there is absolutely no limit to what you can do. You have been created to perfection.....please take good care of your mind body and soul. Laugh more yellow Ibo girl, talk to strangers. Smile at the person next to you and make thier day. This wonderful life you have been given will one day become a story to tell. Make it a good one yellow ibo girl, make it inspiring to others who are in the dark place you are now.

Know yellow ibo girl, that hearts are broken everyday and you will find love when you least expect it and it will be beautiful. Quit guarding your heart....you have too much love to give and remember that a broken heart will ALWAYs heal....so take a risk dammit and enjoy MEN. Tell people you love just how much you love them even though it may seem glaringly obvious. Chances are that they do need to hear it. Have a good cry when you are overwhelemed with sadness...but be sure to share your joy once whatever problem has been overcome. Give hugs and kisses for no reason.

Dont let fears and regrets shape your life. Try not to dwell on bad experiences, just learn from your mistake and move on. This life is unfair and with all the injustice and inhumanity flogging this world its understandable that you feel helpless and negative. But I PROMISE you that the fundamental choice is yours. Im talking about the choice to be happy and live your life to the fullest or to let what is uncontrollable and inevitable take away your soul and kill your spirit.

Yellow ibo girl you need to start doing things on your own. You dont need a friend to go to the gallery, museum or to lunch with you...go on your own!! And for goodness sake stop caring what others think of you. Nobody's opinion matters unless they truly love you. Take pride in your striking appearance and make an effort to always look your best even with that occasional massive zit on your forehead.

Remember yellow ibo girl that nobody's love for you can be as great as the love you can have for youself. Think about it this way...you cant break your own heart can you?? Let this be your turning point yellow ibo girl. The day your life changed."


I was completely shocked by how much I cried while I wrote this. It might not work for everyone but somehow this thought process has changed something deep within. I dont want to regret living my life as an angry and guarded person when really Im insecure and very unsure of my self-worth. No way. It stops today.

Brown.

I don’t know when my obsession with this dude began. All I know is I found myself staring at him at work wondering why he’s so withdrawn and mysterious. I guess it was just innocent curiosity at first but it’s turning into something else and becoming one of my many issues!

He wasn’t the most popular guy in his department; everyone seemed to have something horrible to say about him before I actually got to know him. The more people talked the more my curiosity grew. I’d watch him constantly… the way he operated the system with such expertise, the way he put his superiors in their place when they start talking bollocks, how often he wandered off for a break and who he actually spoke to regularly. I must have overdone this cos soon enough our eyes would meet and I’d look away immediately; but carry on watching once he looked away.

After a while it became a regular thing. I’d choose to work on days I knew he’d be working, making sure i'm sat where he can see me and I him. We would make eye contact several times a day, sometimes exchange smiles, but still never spoke. We eventually did after a few weeks and we clicked. He has a very darkened view of the world, as I seem to these days. He is full of sarcastic humor and I love it! I knew I would enjoy his company. We began taking lunch breaks together when we could and we have since been friends.

Fast forward a year later, neither of us work at this company anymore but we still keep in touch. Only by text or email and NEVER by phone. I can easily send this guy 50 texts a day and the same goes for him. Or when I’m at home doing nothing and just faffing about online we send emails to each other all day. I never tire of him; he doesn’t even realize what a dear friend he has become to me.

My issue is this. I am insanely attracted to this man. I want to bed him desperately, I felt like a perv before I became his friend, and I still do. I don’t understand why I lust for him so. He is not even my type. He’s Australian, very short, quite overweight and wears glasses. And yet he makes me horny as hell and I don’t know what to do about it. To make things more complicated he wears a wedding ring. I have been dying to ask him about it but have never done cos I want him to tell me in his own time.

I don’t even know how he feels; my guess is that he isn’t attracted to me in the slightest which in all honesty suits me just fine. I know if anything happened btw us love will certainly not be in the picture. It would be more like two slightly insane people whose minds connect having a passionate affair. If I had sex with him I know it would be mind-blowing. I just know it! Sometimes you just feel it. I try and explain this to some of my friends and they don’t understand me. Attraction goes so beyond the physical. Sometimes we flirt with each other but not nearly enough for me to come to any conclusions about whether or not my feelings are reciprocated. He is one odd human being and I think that’s why I am so interested in him. The crazy shit that goes through my mind don’t seem so crazy when I hear the stuff he comes out with.

We met up and had a meal recently and he opened up a little bit about his life in Australia before he came to England. It was a nice evening I thought. I discovered that he got separated from his wife years ago, moved abroad and hasnt been back since. We walked through soho and I suggested we go into a sex shop but I was only kidding. He dragged me into one and we had a look around. It was a bad idea cos I came out of that shop feeling stupendously horny. We had decided previously that we’d go back to his place and he’d make me some desert.

It was my first time at his place and I wasnt surprised one bit. Every thing was immaculately placed and spotless. For a man living alone I was so very impressed. As it was a weekday and quite late in the night we both knew I would need to get the last train home. After dessert and another 2 glasses of wine it was time for me to leave. I tried to read any signs from his end…anything to suggest he didn’t mind me staying the night with him. But I got nothing. Nothing solid anyway cos he’d say something like “I don’t mind if you stay but don’t you have to work tomorrow?” then I reminded him of what taxis were for and got “I don’t think you should have to pay that much for a cab”. I gave up then, cos it was as though I was begging to stay the night with him. What nonsense!

He got me one of his jackets and saw me off to the train station and waited for the last train with me. He suggested that being a last minute thing we hadn’t planned the evening very well and next time (yes next time), we’d do it properly.

I haven’t heard from him since and I don’t know if its too early panic. It’s only been 3 days. There has already been an unreplied text from my end and he always replies my texts. What if he wasn’t impressed by my behaviour and I never see him again. I’m too fragile at the moment to deal with that. I will miss his sporadic company and our text conversations. I hope I haven’t screwed this one up; its not like I came on to him or anything. All I did was look for some ammunition before I attacked so to speak. And I didn’t even find any.

Putting myself in his position I would absolutely hate to have found a good friend only to discover they’d been trying to fuck me the whole time especially if I wasn’t attracted to him at all. I truly hope this isn’t how he feels. I don’t know else to do but wait to hear something from him. I fucking hate having to wait but i'm too proud to send another text.

Dreams I can do without

I used to love my dreams. The one place I had complete control over my universe was once in my dreams. Strangely enough the person I am in my dreams is not the sad lonely chick writing this here post. I’m writing a post because of late my dreams have been spiraling out of control and are nothing short of very odd.

Quick example a few nights ago I dreamed a dream that made fuck all sense to me and I woke up drenched in a cold sweat! I only remember bits and pieces. Basically my entire family and I are in a car (have no idea how we all fit in there but hey – dreams can be dumb like that!). Anyway I find out somehow that our designated driver is none other than JIMI HENDRIX! So there we are cruising along and I gets to chatting with him. We end up talking about drugs and sharing details of weird “trips” we’ve had on the stuff. Then he’s goes off on one talking about how his greatest trip was one where he thought he could fly! At this point we’re driving incredibly fast on a really steep bridge. He’s still talking when someone screams LOOK OUT! Turns out this stupid bridge is incomplete and in a flash I am falling so fast, with all my family in the car being driven by a deceased rock legend. The “falling” sensation in dreams I one I could do without. I absolutely hate it! Its out of control, weird, uncomfortable and feels fucking real! And of course I woke up before the car hit the ground – covered in sweat and trembling! If there’s anyone who knows how to interpret dreams please help me out here.

More recent was a dream I had about my ex-boyfriend. I’ll do a quick summary on this one. We basically bump into each other a few years from now and we are talking but I don’t know what about. It’s all very quiet and obscure, its like i'm watching us from a distance. He’s holding a little boy, can’t be more that 2 years old. It’s his son, and the mother is the bitch who began our relationship issues when we were together. We are out doors somewhere… looks like a field, on a gorgeous summer day and she (the bitch) is waiting for him in a car. There’s a sense of urgency in the air, I still can’t hear a word we are saying to each other. Its just… I look at him and the feeling of familiarity and unconditional love overwhelms me. The sun is shining on his face and his blue eyes are sparkling the way they used to when we were crazy for each other. I hold his baby and kiss the boy. Then they both get into the car and drive away…then I bloody wake up….in tears!

The only similarities between the dreams I have had recently is lack of control. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I have felt desperately out of control of my life since I turned 25. I stopped speaking to my ex who I thought was my best friend, officially left the town I’d lived in for years and moved to London. Living on London was hard for me at initially but I think i'm handling it pretty well now. I thought I had got all my emotions under control but my dreams are telling me otherwise. They are becoming increasingly vivid not to mention inconvenient…forcing me to think about things that should be forgotten, and feel things I shouldn’t be feeling anymore. I’m scared to think of what the implication of this might be.

What I want from a man

I want a man who sends electric currents through my blood stream every time I see him.

I want a man with eyes bluer than the ocean.

I want a man with a fierce passion for his job, family and lady.

I want an eccentric man with artistic talents

I want a tall man

I want a man who can spontaneously fly me to rome for a romantic evening on his private jet

I want a man who will listen to my issues and understand them without judging me

I want a man who will worship me like a goddess

I want a man who is honest loyal and faithful

I want a man who knows how to fuck

I want a man who owns a suzuki GSX-R1000

I want a man who recognises and appreciates the power of a woman

I want a man with impeccable dentition

I want a man who knows when to give me space

I want a man who dosent go into depression when his football club loses some stupid premiership

I want a man I can learn from

I want a man with morals

I want a man I feel safe with (an amateur boxer will do nicely)

I want a man who believes in everlasting love and the sanctity of marriage

I want a man who is beautiful on the inside and on the outside

I want a man with excellent personal hygiene

I want a man who can cook

I want a man who is secure in himself and knows how to keep his jealousy in check

I want a man who will celebrate my success and I his

I want a man who agrees it is NOT possible to love someone and cheat on them

I want a man who subconciously knows when I need to be held

I want a man who loves to go on long romantic walks

I want a man who can make me laugh

I want a man who will R.E.S.P.E.C.T. me!

Naija Lolita - The 14 year old nymphomaniac

Of all the goings on during my time in Nigeria over the holidays, I was particularly disturbed by this one. I'll try and keep it as brief as I can.

My grandma has this adorably cute helper (dont like the sound of housegirl), turns out she has these odd desires which disgusting men including drivers on our premises are more than happy to help her out with. This girl is so cute, she has this petite stature, innocent face and angelic voice....although she is only 14 she appears to be even younger. You could say she has that lolita thing going on....

It all started when she got caught in the act with my grans driver. One day my gran got up in the middle of the night to get a drink only to hear noises coming from the staff quaters. She understandably followed the noise and opened the door to the drivers room to find naija Lolita bottom up with her fingers touching her toes, and a driver (who is nearly 30 years old) pumping away behind her. They were both so into it they didnt even hear her walk in, walk out to find a stick, and walk in again to break up the party. My poor gran had to beat this man off the girl with a stick...it all ended in shame, tears and embarassment.

This obviously turned into quite a big deal, we have a lot of staff back home and anything this scandalous results in a staff/family meeting. I didnt attend the meeting but apparently this poor girl confessed in tears that she tends to need sex desperately and has to have it when she wants it otherwise she dosent "feel well"...i think thats the translation. She speaks yoruba you see and her exact words were "ara mi o ni bale". To be honest i thought she had a lot of balls to admit such a thing in front of so many people...but then I also thought this girl obviously knows that its wrong to go around fucking everybody on the premises but its as though she simply cant help herself. She has had two pregnancies removed so far...

I blog on this because you hear about nymphs and paedophiles everywhere but when it happens so close to home it gets you thinking about the shit even more. Maybe its a psychological disorder to want to fuck all the time....I say maybe because we ARE human, and every one of us has our own sexual drive/identity/preference. But the question burning up my brain is how on earth does a 14 year old become a nymph?? Call me old fashioned but thats too fucking young...It also makes me wonder when it began. To confess to nyphomania at 14 only proves that the girl has been fucking waaaay before and knows how to get what she wants.

I'm well aware that some of the girls given away in arranged marriages are as young as 12, to me its equally disgusting BUT not nearly as controversial as a 14 year old sex addict. I want to understand who and what made her need sex to feel "well". I wonder if she was abused by an older man....or she if she confuses sex with love which is what she is realy after...or maybe the girl just loves to fuck and if she does, who am I to judge? It turns out she has fucked majority of the guys in our estate and now she has become choosy because she knows which men have the biggest dicks and comes back for more from them...and they are more than happy to give it to her.

I also think about the men who are fucking her. I feel very strongly about men and their weaknesses anyway and stories like this really dont help at all. Someone explain to me what the appeal in a 14 year old might possibly be? This girl is not even one of those 14 year olds than can pass for 18 cos she's grown up fast....its quite the opposite to be honest. The girl's boobs havnt grown, she is very scrawny and looks like shes 10! Why is it so difficult for men to say no? If she really does go around begging for it, why dont they tell her to get lost? Or to find someone her own age? This is one of the reasons I get disgusted with men... the fact that thier dicks come between their brains and reason. I think its quite pathetic the way pussy makes men weak...but at the same time I think its natures way of giving the fundamental power to the "weaker" sex! Never have I been so happy to be a woman, we are much stronger than we are given credit for! I digress.....

Back to this naija Lolita, I wish I understood her more....but what really is there to understand? The girl likes to fuck. Sure she's very young but the chances are she wont be willing to change even if she could..I mean you would think after terminating two pregnancies she'd ease up a bit. If I changed the scenario and said she lived in the UK for example, perhaps it wouldnt be such a big deal. I pray for her to find stability and love in her life. I pray that with all the fucking around she's apparently doing, she dosent get a fatal sexual infection and end up dead. I pray that her souls of her unborn babies are rested in peace. I hope she finds her match who can give her everything she needs so she dosent have to look elsewhere and put her health at risk.

Life as a gap toothed woman

In my early teens I became increasingly uncomfortable with my smile, the gap between my front teeth just got bigger and bigger. I absolutely loathed it. In all honesty I still do. Hence the reason for this post.

I have been contemplating having the massive gap in my front teeth closed up for a long time now. I have finally made my appointment with a cosmetic dentist and I'm suddenly more confused than ever. This gap has been a part me my whole life and I have always disliked it!! There are so many myths concerned with gap toothed women, apparently we are sexually promiscuous, love the company of men (I'm not going to deny that one), are destined to be wealthy, are strong willed and very powerful individuals. It’s also seen by some as a highly attractive feature especially in women.

My issue is putting all these stupid myths aside; I just don’t like the gap on me. I'm worried about compromising my individuality for the sake of fitting in. I have done years of research on this, I find that other gap toothed women go through this point in their life and for whatever reason quite a few of them decide to stick with it. They insist it makes them unique and choose to keep it as a "trademark". But what if standing out is the last thing you want? I want to be seen as special yes but I don’t think I want the reason to be the big ol'gap in my teeth!

This appointment has got my thinking quite a lot...now I have the chance to change a part of my face I never liked, in fact I absolutely hated, i'm beginning to question the strength of my will, my individuality, my looks, and my integrity. My certainty about it all has vanished.... I have been adamant for years that I will begin 2007 with a new smile. I thought it might boost my confidence but now I just don’t know. grrr! This is so frustrating! I still stick tissues between my front teeth and look in the mirror, just so I have an idea how dramatic the change will be. And I love what I see. I look less "imperfect".

I remember mentioning it to my Dad a while back. You should have seen the look on his face; I couldn’t quite figure it out. I saw anger, confusion and heartbreak written all over it. He asked me why I would even think of doing such a thing. "Don’t you know that’s what makes you beautiful?" is what he asked me then he just shook his head and muttered something in ibo under his breath. I think he also felt bad that I didn’t see myself as perfect they way he does. But hello? He’s my dad. No man (or woman for that matter) will see me the way he does.

Another mind boggling this is I really haven’t had any horrid experiences as far as being gap toothed is concerned. To be honest I have met quite a few men, (some complete strangers who just felt the had to comment on it, and some my friends who reassure me when I go off on how much I hate it); that admit it drives them crazy. I worry that i'm so completely blinded by what I "see" as perfect beauty, and this will never allow me to appreciate this ol'gap! I’m now afraid that when I have it closed the spark that makes me me will disappear. Where would I go from there? Perhaps this is the story behind all the cosmetic surgery obsessives out there. Is changing a feature on your body in the hopes of achieving physical perfection really the beginning of a downward spiral as far as self-image is concerned?? I just don’t know....

What I do know is it took a very long time to smile big and wide in public without covering my mouth with my hands. I can’t help thinking people are staring right at the gap when I speak to them. I don’t want to have it on my mind at inappropriate times. For example if I had an important interview I don’t want the interviewer's focus to be on the gap rather than what I’m saying and how I’m presented, etc. this is just the way I feel and I honestly think that having this gap covered up will be a new beginning for me as far as self confidence is concerned. I know it should all come from inside and bla bla bla. But I’m very close to making up my mind; and the only thing holding me back is my fear of regret and losing a feature that has been a part of me for 25 years.

Help.